motherless daughter

I walk into the grocery store.
It’s just another Thursday,
Just like all the other Thursdays,

Until

I look up.
Orchids, hanging flower baskets,
Cards, gift displays

Here we go again…

Mother’s Day.

It’s that time of year for all the motherless daughters to sit
And ponder
And regret
And wish for just one more opportunity to find the perfect card
Or write the perfect note.

Because even if you were given the opportunity to share your ’last thoughts’ with your mom
You still think of more words.
There’s always more you should have said to her.

You wonder if she truly realized what she meant to you.
To be quite honest, you never fully realized it…
Until she was gone

This year I am writing to all the motherless daughters, but my words are not necessarily only to them

Because they know.

They understand.

They get the depth of importance of this one particular day.
They understand the void that exists
When this day is ripped from their hands.

They get the pain.

Mother’s Day is a holiday that you never really think twice about

Until you loose your mom.

Then this holiday stings.
It hurts.

For me, Mother’s Day hurts.

I specifically remember my first Mother’s Day without my mom.
I was browsing the card aisle, feeling like a dagger was stuck in my heart.
I remember the words expressing the pain bubbling and brewing inside my head
Turning over and over again in an endless string of hurt,
A constant ache.
It was a pain that I could so easily express
If only someone would take the time to listen.
I was consumed.
All consumed.

This year my words are not just to the motherless daughters, but also to myself.

If I were to go back in time, what would I tell myself?
Would I try to prepare myself for the hard road ahead without her?

I don’t think I could.
I would never be able to.
Ever.

One thing I would never be able to ponder is this upcoming month,
My future reality.
The one where I face my oldest child graduating from high school.

…She won’t be there.

To be quite honest, this was the event I feared happening
When she was diagnosed.
This was the specific event I feared facing without her
The day that she died.

If I were to go back in time, the main thing I would tell myself would be that I was going to be ok.

No, I was not by any means ready to live without her.
But I was going to be ok.

She taught me so much about being a mother.
She prepared me well for it.
I would actually learn a lot from her being gone.
I would learn to be a better mom.
I would learn to appreciate
Time.

To all the motherless daughters,
You are not alone in your pain.
You are not alone dreading today.

Take the time to reflect,
To make her favorite recipe,
To look at pictures,

To cry.

To the daughters out there who are so amazingly fortunate enough to have your mother on
Mother’s Day
Don’t take it for granted.
Please.
Please don’t it for granted.

Because there are those of us motherless daughters out there who would give anything

For one more Mother’s Day.