pagan

Someone said to me, “Good thing it’s a holiday weekend!”

Wait, what?

What’s this weekend?

Oh. My. Word.

Easter.

I forgot it was Easter.

Fail!

I am totally a pagan.

I have gone to church pretty much as long as I can remember.
I am a Christian. I promise.
Volunteered in the church every single week.
Bible studies.
The works.

And while I know, I know.
These things don’t make you a Christian.
I know.
(That’s not the point of this post.)

For a minute I felt guilty.
Because I forgot.
Overwhelmed.

Yes, that’s me at this very moment.

I am not entirely sure what day or even what month it is half the time.

So much is happening all at once.

We are talking big things.

Huge life events.

Huge.

Job loss.
Doctors appointments.
Planning a graduation party.
Biopsy.
Cancer scare.
My garage door broke.
And oh so much more…

(I threw my garage door in there just for fun. Yes, it did break this month. As well as my front door and a window, which randomly exploded when no one was around. ~Not joking~ But sometimes when things are all unraveling those small things even make the list. Even though comparatively it is so insanely trivial.)

What.
The.
Crap?

Have you ever had something you have been praying about for a long time?

Maybe its an illness or a broken relationship.
Or life just seems to be giving you a lot of crappy situations?

And you pray for healing.
You pray for restoration.
You pray for everything to work out.

And there’s silence.

A whole lot of nothing.

So you pray harder.
Find verses on faith.

Maybe you don’t have the wording right…
Maybe God didn’t hear you…
Maybe you need to be more persistent…

That has been me.
That has defined this season of my life.

Don’t get me wrong, this season of my life is also very sweet.
I have felt a gentle closeness and peace that only God can give despite the insane madness.
I have heard Him speaking to me just the right words at just the right time.

My faith has grown leaps and bounds.
Truly.
It has been amazing.

Yet at the same time I have a new understanding of faith.
And doubt.

Because possibly for the first time in my life I truly ‘get’ the man in the book of Mark who said,
“I believe; help my unbelief!”

I always thought that verse was so odd.

Because you totally don’t believe if you still have doubt… right??
After all, faith cannot exist in the presence of doubt.

So I thought.

I am far from a Theologian here.

But God is teaching me so very much at the moment.
He is teaching me so much through the mess.

Because my job at this point in time is to cling.
Cling tightly.
Hold on for dear life.
Even though I don’t see the big picture.
Even though I have no control.
Even though I doubt.

God is my Rock.

And sometimes I feel like we are raised with this ‘genie-in-a-bottle’ view of God.

He should give me what I ask for.

He should answer my prayers the way I want.
When I want it.

If I am not happy, then it is all His fault.

He definitely can’t be all-powerful if I am not getting my way, can He?

How.
Selfish.
Are.
We?

And I now go back to Easter…

On that first Good Friday, I cannot even imagine the agony.
The questions.
The “What the crap just happened?” thoughts and prayers that you know were going through the follower’s minds.
~Com’mon now. Don’t get hung up on that last line. I’m not deleting it, so get over it. They were human too.~

The faith and the doubt.

For real though, Saturday must have been awful.
Saturday must have seemed like it lasted forever.

Hopeless.

Dreams crushed.
Fear and doubt taking over.

Where is Jesus?

Where is He?

And that is where I am.
I feel like this season is the Saturday.

If you find yourself in the Saturday too
Don’t mistake the silence as the end.
Don’t.

It isn’t the end.

There is hope.

Saturday didn’t last.

Do not fear.

Sunday.

Sunday is coming.